Turf Purgatory

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but. . .

It is with great regret and sadness I bring to you in letter that our beloved ‘Jewel of the Desert’, Turf Paradise Race Track, has seen better days and Hospice of the Valley has been called.

Years of what we call Simms’ Sins, a close relative to water boarding has taken its toll. The difference is Turf is not by any means Guantánamo Bay and we are definitely not associated with the Al-Qaeda. That’s not to say I haven’t seen some of them at the track I think.

The oval’s attractiveness as quoted directly from the ‘Owners Information’ tab of its own website which states clearly yet contradictorily, “Our location in Phoenix, Arizona proves to be the “jewel in the desert” as we have mild winters, many days in the 60s, and lots of sunshine, making our racing meet attractive.”,

Uhhhh? Attractive? Is that because the purses are so huge and the accommodations are 5-star both for the animals and for the people living there or just those who are visiting? Or like customers? Really? Cmon, really?

The truth is this. Turf is becoming nothing more than just a banal landmark behind a Wal Mart parking lot rented out for spinning and drifting hot rods using a red-coned course because the marketing at Turf can’t figure out how to pack the lot with tourist’s and racing fan’s automobiles.

Even on St. Paddy’s day, the remarkable Food and Beverage team ran out of the $2.00 cool shamrock green aluminum bottles of Bud Light after the 4th race and made the crowd buy the $3.50 blue can because , , , uh, , , , what? Your correct. The can was blue.

Tongue twister.
How much does a Dollar-Day hot dog cost if you run out of Dollar-Day hot dogs on the 5th race of Dollar-Day hot dog day? This answer doesn’t need to be in the form of a Jeopardy question. It’s simple math. Nothing! There aren’t any Dollar-Day dogs to buy unless you want to buy the real hot dog. This more expensive dog looks and tastes just like the other less expensive hot dog but as before, , , you guessed it, , , the new available dog to buy on Dollar-Day hot dog day costs only 2 and a half bucks more than the Dollar-Day dog we advertise on Dollar-Day hot dog day.

Yep, you’re right. A $3.50 track dog on Dollar-Day hot dog day. Why do you ask, Grasshopper? It’s Simple. The cost is more because it’s called, ‘Nathans’ not “Dollar-Day’ or as we call it, Simms’ Sin number 785. It goes like this for number 785.

[Setup] Simms is talking to the exclusive Food and Beverage manager and the Marketing manager together in a closed door meeting [End Setup]

[Simms] “Tell them it’s Dollar-Day hot dog day and then when they get here tell them we’re out of Dollar-Day hot dogs and the only ones we have left cost three and a half bucks. [End Simms]


[Simms] Hold it, hold it, this is where it gets good. Tell them this because they’re really hungry already from standing in the only four long lines we make available because we’re not going to be paying for anymore of our stupid help because it costs me minimum wage for them to have all our crappy stands open. [End Simms]

[Both men are nodding in approvement]

[Simms] Here’s another good one. We don’t buy enough Dollar-Day hot dogs because we all know the Food and Beverage management suck and Marketing is never here. [Simms pauses to collect his thoughts]  Oh, that’s you guys right? [End Simms]

[Knock on the Door to the Secret Meeting in the Secret Office]

[Simms] Come in. [End Simms]

[Simms’ wife cracks open the door and sticks her head in]

[Simms’ wife] Honey, which stand am I running on hot dog for a half a dollar day? [End Simms’ wife]

[Simms] The nice one on the first floor, Honey. [End Simms]

[Simms’ wife] Thanks Baby. [End Simms’ wife]

[The door closes]

[Simms to the manager and marketer] See? [End Simms to the manager and marketer]

[The Food and Beverage manager and Marketing manager chuckle and nod]

[Simms] Shutup.  Go fire someone. [End Simms]

Appendix: You ask why Simms’ Sin number 785 is so high.  There ya go, you’re right again, there’s that many Sins.

I found the last Dollar-Day hot dog below but I only gave them half a buck for it since it was bunless and such.

I just dipped it in the condiment table.

The End

“The best part of life starts at the top of the stretch.”
The WiseGuy

Click here to read more stories in The WiseGuy Diaries

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